WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
