He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
