Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
