god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
