What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
