yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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