Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
