i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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