this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This house was built for laser tag.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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