Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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