sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
