what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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