Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
