Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
