end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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