totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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