covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
