First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
