Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
