you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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