The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
