so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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