Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
