broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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