I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
