Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
