I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
