Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
