Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Still dying that you shit outside
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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