Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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