Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
