You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
