I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
