How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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