If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
