proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
