sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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