Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize