Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
