Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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