I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
