she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
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