did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
