So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
