you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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