So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
