EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
