Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
