I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
