end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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