I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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