Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
