He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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