That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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