My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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