I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
