dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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