so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
even my farts smell like vagina
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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