he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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