Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this is an emotional support booty call
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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